This morning one of my beautiful in patient friends tried to take her life with a plastic spoon after one of the other inpatients stole her piano books. The scars were so horrendous I cried for her. I feel so helpless in here. I went and found her books on the second floor because of course I knew who took them, the legend who thinks he is god and thinks he owns all the books.
Yesterday a rape and abuse victim was put in a room with one of my other female inpatients. She was so far gone in a psychosis she also believed she owned all the things. She stole a huge amount of stuff from my room and my mates room. The two male nurses were helpless because she wouldn't listen to them.. I tried to calm her down with a cigarette and try and get some stuff back, but because the courtyard is closed there is nowhere to smoke and I had to do it in the stairwell. This nurse who hates my guts got me into heaps of trouble, there is no point saying anything back if you do they just feel you sleeping meds. Everyone just wants to smoke a durry but they can't because the courtyards shut off for three weeks. They are not giving us much options. I keep trying to do the right thing but I feel like I am continually getting punished. I've started chain smoking (never smoked a ciggie before) because it is the only thing that brings me back to reality, that and music.
I'm not sure of what is real or fiction anymore. Three months ago I could have written some fairy tale ending with a boy I loved, playing in a band I loved. My band was going great, my business was going swell and now it's all gone. I'm locked up in a loony bin with legends that are way more loony than me, some in the best way. I kept getting attacked today by some poor girl with split personality disorder. She is so beautiful she looks like Uma Thurman, I would hate to think what horrible things happened to her to make her that way.
Photo: LOOBS 2015. Ruby Koomen, James Frahm and Alex Pink.
The boy that I truly loved for the last three years, who I thought was my best friend had a gorgeous new girlfriend within months of our relationship ending. I get it love hurts, I'm happy that he's happy, but it is very hard to loose your best mate and lover all in a flash.
I did punch him in the head for not being open about it... He just brought her to a gig without a mention of it a few weeks back, I cried on stage, finished the set and packed up shop and joined a chick band called Bitch Diesel.
Photo: Ruby Koomen, Pheobe Taylor, Rhia Taranto, Ashlee Pierce
This is a guy I started a home with, who talked about having my children.
I punched him in the head after he told me to 'fuck off' on our last show on my birthday which I probably shouldn't have done... but I guess this punk rock princess has to stand up for herself somehow. I did buy him a Fugazi record, so to me it was warranted, plus I'm weak as so it can't have hurt to much.
I'm still so confused as to how I came to being in this hospital. I know the trigger of my mania is usually death. I start seeing really weird things, like angels... I lost a mate of mine Nick earlier this year. We met in Holland when I was studying on exchange five years ago. Him and his gorgeous partner Verity. They had just got a house together and were about to get married when he was tragically taken in a cycling accident in Sydney. How unforgiving the universe is with love. I've suffered a tragic loss, but I know with time I will be able to speak to my ex again. My heart continues to bleed for gorgeous Verity.
Photo: Nicholas Ruyrock, Ruby Koomen & Verity Zoerner
Loss and trauma comes up in so many forms, 1 year to the day I brought my van for my business. A 2008 Holden Combo. I was so proud of that car. It was the first car I had ever owned on my own without the help of my parents. $8000- my whole savings from last year I pumped into that car. Only to find out that I got a lemon.... Such a drag... engine exploded.... I'm sure someone ripped me off but I ended up with $250 for it. Carless, boyfriendless.... lol... time to right some tunes... and when you've got nothing you've got nothing to loose.
I'm sorry to anyone that I worried during this period of mania, I'll try to stop punching boys in the head, and I won't burn off at 5am in the morning anymore.
I always try to be the best person I can be, but sometimes it is hard when life just keeps coming up lemons. I am so thankful for my beautiful family, my wonderful friends and my rock and roll family who have come to visit me in the last two weeks, while I come back to common ground. Sometimes I like getting stuck in the sky with the angels and devils, especially when it gets to tough here on earth.
I watched Nick Cave's film today it is so bone chillingly beautiful it made my nose bleed. What an amazing family, I truly admire anyone for putting out something so real.
I think I am alive today. I think I am breathing. I'm going to keep trying to love everyone because that's all I know how to do. But I don't know why that bitch in the white BMW had to be such a mole today or why that nurse Daisy hates me so much.
I get to sleep in my own bed tonight. I am thankful for that. I haven't had a decent night sleep in weeks, because the nurses need to check on you every hour to see you haven't committed suicide. To my mates that were worried about me talking about suicide recently, I would never do it because I could never inflict that pain on my family, but I do think that those go ahead with it are brave. It takes the deepest depression to be there, a depression I have found in this solidary confinement.
So here is a poem for today, by my favourite bloke Joe Strummer. xoxox
I always open my solo set with it, in hope that one day they world might come good.
Fuck The Man and all his greed, I can't wait to get out and record this. RIP JOE JOE. xox
Roots of Heathen
No Heritage or culture
Imagined empires at our feet
The tribe beats upon the bench
A country shadowed in defeat
They sing twelve tribes of Israel
But not here in Punkertown
Grey and white I am a heathen
My People have no chosen crown
Waving bibles soaked in petrol
My leaders burn our shantytown
They slam the bible on the pulpit
Grinding only poor men down
Liars they talk of purity
They Dream the super race
I give them my scots armenien life
Into his indo saxon face
But when power is turned to hunger
And the scientists they tire of war
When money no longer has a number
We’ll see what the prophet saw
We’ll see what Joe strummer saw
What John Lennon saw
What Gandhi saw
What Trotsky saw
What all the legends saw
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